Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: body, eating, fashion, food, health, kinnie starr, mind
iamwhatiam
Does anyone out there notice that negative body image and the mentality of “I wish I could lose that last 5 pounds” is contagious? That you can be feeling great about your overall mental physical spiritual beauty and then one conversation with someone obsessing over their weight sends you to the mirror wondering if you, too, should be trying to shed pounds? And all of a sudden the calm you felt inside turns to vanity and self-obsession?
I can’t help but notice that almost every time I hang out with any one of my phenomenally beautiful girlfriends, the conversation at one point veers to their body weight — and not in a good way. During almost EVERY single hang with ALL my girlfriends (and some male), references will be made to that media friendly slogan, “how to shed that last 5-10 pounds”. WHY?
Talk of the various food groups being omitted from their diet and overall fixation on food in general is very much in vogue. Eliminating carbs, meat, dairy and processed or cooked foods in the name of ‘health’ is considered appropriate and even forward thinking behavior. This preoccupation and righteousness with food — “oh I can’t eat dairy…” or “since I eliminated meat from my diet my body really changed… I mean I lost like 5 pounds” or “I’m on a cleanse… but it’s for health reasons. I like to cleanse about 4 times a year, and also fast one day a week, but it’s not to lose weight…. It’s for health reasons” etc. etc. etc…. we’ve all heard these words or spoken them ourselves!
ORTHOREXIA is the new word appointed to describe modern food fixation in the name of ‘health’ (read: starvation). Most women I know would not agree that their obsession with ‘healthy’ foods is either for the purpose of losing weight or a mental illness. Most women who are trying to lose weight would prefer to conceal their weight obsession with food righteousness. The feeling of control gained from starving oneself and focusing on specific food groups can be argued as a process of developing good patterns, and good health. We associate eating disorders with negative imagery, and feel that fixating and obsessing over eating strategies, if in the guise of ‘health’, cannot POSSIBLY be an eating disorder…
I would argue that consistently trying to minimize your body thru daily obsession and over calculation of food intake and food types is unhealthy for the mind and spirit. Food is our fuel. It gives us energy and makes our minds work. I would also argue that food fixation in the guise of health is a beefy lie (pardon the pun), and that the denial involved in maintaining pretense of ‘health’ is a heavy burden to carry and adversely affects both the starved one and their family and friends.
If we are constantly starving ourselves and looking in the mirror only to see weight that needs to be shed, I would argue that we affect our friends and family negatively because our minds are fixated on vanity rather than compassion and joy. Most importantly, our pretense of health in the name of ‘losing 5 pounds’ will most certainly result in a generation of children who think they, too, need to lose weight.
The problem with concealing eating disorders and food fixations under the guise of ‘healthy living’ is that the lie starts inside, so there is bound to be an internal struggle with not being able to acknowledge the true reasons for starving yourself. So not only are legions of women feeling terrible about weighing whatever they weigh, they can’t even come clean with themselves or their families about the truth behind their self imposed starvation or “healthy eating”.
I am a woman who has been chronically underweight most of my life. My goal as an adult has always been to get my weight over 126 pounds, which is considered the bottom end of my weight for a small boned woman at 5”8. When I used to weigh around 124 people in stores where I tried on clothing would often ask if I was anorexic.
There is a digital scale at the pool where I swim, and I have noticed over the last 7 years or so that my weight has finally gotten above ‘underweight’. I am clocking in at around 130 on most days. Sometimes my weight is as low as 127, or as high as 133. To me, this is cause for celebration!! I have never felt of looked better, and getting my weight above my high school standard makes me feel strong, grounded, confident and beautiful. I also work here and there in fashion, and am keenly aware that my tiny but gutsy figure looks pretty fantastic now that I don’t like a bone rack and have a butt to sit on.
Enter the contagious moments of self doubt I mentioned at the beginning of my rant; they come after spending time with girlfriends fixated on losing weight, and my head starts to spin. Girlfriends who are clearly starving themselves and STILL talking about being ‘fat’ or ‘flabby’ infect my inner calm in an unexpected way! I surprise myself when I start to think, “maybe I should be trying to LOSE weight instead of celebrating my weight gain… I mean if so and so thinks she is fat, then I must be fat too… maybe I need to get back to my high school weight of 124 pounds?”
I firmly believe that attitudes are infectious, and that when we doubt ourselves or think negatively about our bodies or lives, we infect our friends with this negativity. More than once I have come home from time spent with female friends who are sooooooooo gorgeous but caught in the ‘need to lose like some pounds’ mentality… and subsequently start thinking that maybe I am FUCKED in the head for celebrating clocking in at 4 pounds above ‘underweight’.
My belief is that self esteem is a very valuable starting point in terms of projecting positivity, and that positive attitudes are infectious. On a large scale, I believe radiating love and compassion rather than self-obsession and vanity can have massive impacts on the people we come into contact with on a daily basis. Here is my closing example:
If I am focusing inwardly on how many walnuts I ate and how I should make sure not to have any other ‘fattening’ foods that day and maybe try and skip dinner or limit myself to a raw smoothie or salad, chances are my brain will be swimming in confusion and vanity due to the simple fact of not having enough caloric intake. If I encounter a human being getting on the bus who needs help, I might not be able to help them because A) I am too tired and dizzy and B) I am deep in thought of what my next meal will be and how much I should make sure not to combine my raw portion with my cooked, protein with my carb, etc. etc. etc…
BUT if I am not obsessing over food, and have eaten a full meal and feeling the grounding effects of proper nutrition, I might be focusing outward rather than inward when I see that stranger struggling to get on the bus, and feel strong enough to help!! This is obviously not a perfect example, but the point I am trying to make is maybe focusing over weight is not as as important as focusing on the well being of the world around us, and that includes our own selves, even if we weigh 5 pounds more than some Hollywood star is quoted as weighing.
i feel like i can’t catch up to everything and every little bit of information and every social occasion posted online for those who live online.
there is a rush behind most conversations. txts are being checked while a friend reveals truths —- that would be considered RUDE and self centered even five years ago to be reading a book while your friend opened up, but not anymore. heyyyyyy….. let’s multitask and check email and phones while our friends try to let us know how they’re feeling. computer screens are always open, and even when a group of friends meets, everyone checks their fb page and phones at least 5 times during the evening.
i found a rooftop ladder at said dinner. it was rusty and it was raining, and i crawled out the living room window and eased my way up to the sky. i held my breath on most of the way up, and spoke out loud to gain strength. i’m afraid of heights and it’s not even fear. it’s a disgusting feeling that fills my belly and legs with heat and nausea.
i knew i had to push thru fear to get to the rooftop. rooftops are bliss. they are one of my favorite things. i remember new york city in the mid nineties, and rooftops were always a landing point. i remember the mid nineties before cel phones and laptops. when clubs weren’t full of people taking photos w digital cameras and needing to see playback. i remember dark seedy clusters of artists making poetry and art and hip hop with nobody documenting. that was when people weren’t dressing for their profile pic online or practicing reality TV ‘model’ poses for fb.
those were times when conversations stretched thru full days, and New Kingdom, the Pharcyde, De La Soul were on our minds. and we would walk in parks and on rivers, and lounge and kiss and talk on roofs, and smoke under trees and read books.
and nobody brought a laptop.
we looked eachother i the eye forreal, w no rush and no cel phone to disconnect the moment.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: free, independance, kinnie starr, love, new rant, new songs
FREE
“Free” was one of the first songs I wrote for a concept album centering around LOVE. Love is something people like to speak about as a noun, right? “Love is a mystery”, “Love is something nobody understands”, “Love comes and goes” …
People don’t normally take time to study love — or loving — the way they would study accounting, music or cooking. Why? Love is fundamental. It binds us to strangers in a fulfilling way if we allow it to. Think about the last experience you had where a stranger showed you kindness (or love) in the street, in a bar, on a bus or in a line-up. It likely gave you the sense that you were not alone, and empowered you for at least a moment, if not the entire day.
To love someone close to you is also an act of power, providing the loved one with a feeling of stability as well as giving you, the lover, a feeling of strength and control. To ‘love someone well’ makes you feel capable and strong, right? By being the co-creator of another human being’s shine, two people symbiotically grow more beautiful.
Conversely, think about the last time you treated someone poorly. You likely felt more undermined than the person you disrespected. Speaking from personal experience, you probably reviewed your shitty behavior throughout the day, felt like an asshole, watched your self esteem plummet, and just generally lost your footing until you were able to address your behavior with due apology and humility.
Love, when considered a verb rather than some amorphous concept, is an anchor… a meteor… a clean shower… a catalyst, a weapon of growth if used efficiently.
The song, “Free” centers around the concept of taking time to fully see another human being in all their imperfections, thereby actively loving them. Specifically it is about my own search to be fully seen and loved as an independent woman, a loner, an introvert forced into extroversion thru music, and a shy anti authoritarian thinker who doesn’t follow the romantic standards of monogamy laid out by Hollywood.
To be ‘free’ is to be able to reflect on life without corporate culture infecting our actions and values. For instance, as a female, I need my own room despite the fact that I am married to the most amazing man I have come across in my life. I need to be able to sleep properly, to get dressed privately, to dream alone, to wake up alone and collect my thoughts.
And best yet I need to be able to flirt with my husband and ask for sleepover nights in his bed like new lovers, to crawl into his arms in the mornings or feel him crawl into mine, to be able to cherish the nights we spend together, to fall asleep as a duo here and there and have it feel like a gift rather than an obligation.
In most or all movies and advertisements, ‘couples’ are ALWAYS shacked up in the same room. We see an abundance of ads about “the bed that has soft springs on one side and hard on the other” or “the bed that you can drop a bowling ball on one side while the other doesn’t move!!!!” In addition we see pharmaceuticals for ‘getting the sleep you need’, anti-snoring products and the list goes on. It is clear that a lot of people are not getting the sleep they need, and I would venture to say that the bulk of those people are sharing a bed and a room with their spouse!
My opinion is that many couples think that to have their own room would generate gossip from families and friends or negatively impact their intimate lives… “ohhhhh…. So and so must be on the rocks… they aren’t even sleeping in the SAME ROOM ANYMORE!!!” It is a shame that seeing your partner as an individual is not sanctioned publicly, and that disapproving eyes fall on couples who live autonomously instead of codependantly.
I would argue that to have my own little spot where I can rest at night is the key to feeling centered, and that to be centered and ‘free’ allows me to be a better human being day to day to my husband, to strangers I encounter in my travels, to my community and to my family.
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